January 4th was Day 1. I don't know what day this would be, but it is now almost April 1st. So, approximately 2 months of taking Zoloft (Sertraline) so far. I've been taking it at the .25 dosage, with the addition of Klonipin (Clonazepam) whenever I need it. That fluctuates.
So far, I've been pretty content with how the Sertraline is working. I have relief, but I still feel like me. But I don't have the "level of relief" my doctor was looking for and he suggested I try bumping up to the prescribed base dosage.
I was hesitant, but then I also figure I have my foot in the water, I might as well get wet. If I don't like it, I'll get out and dry off.
As much as I lean on my anxiety as my main "issue" he said he was looking at the depression component as a significant issue as well. But, I walk, talk, fulfill duties, get some joy out of life... how can I be depressed.
He said I was stoic, and was able to put up a good front, wasn't crying, but still. My lack of joy at times when I should be joyful was one of the tip offs. Among others that I can't remember enough to name. All I know is as he talked I realized he was right. I also realized he's a psychiatrist and the prescribe meds. I hate how so many of them have never been on those meds that they prescribe.
My mind really doesn't want to take these things. I'd rather drink for some reason. At least people have been drinking for years and years and you know what it does to them. The meds, not so much. Although I know, for me, I have lessened anxiety and a bit more calm. As my body allows me this I'm really working hard to change behaviorally because I really don't want to be on these meds forever. I'm really kind of scared of coming off them.
But I'm not going to worry about that right now.
I'm on my 3rd day of increase, and feel little difference. I'm not slammed with headaches like I was when I went right into a 50 dosage of the Sertraline. I guess staying on .25 for two full months before bumping has its benefits. Since that 1/2 dose did make some improvements it is fair for me to try the full dose and hope for even more significant improvement. But if there isn't, I'm going back down to the 1/2.
Mar 30, 2011
Jan 28, 2011
Day 25
Yesterday I bumped up to 50mg of Sertraline/Zoloft
Reluctantly. Even more reluctantly, I took 1/2 a Clonazepam to help ease my anxiety and get a good night worth of sleep. The first day I had no real major side-effects. I did have a headache (not sure if it was the drugs), except for a feeling of inner zitteryness I can't really explain. Like I had drank too much coffee. And then a couple times I caught myself staring off into space.
Today is the 2nd day of taking the full pill. My doctor thought that going up to 50mg might alleviate some of my nighttime issues (panic). He asked how much relief the 25mg of Sertraline was giving me and I told him about 40-60%, depending. Possibly it is more close to 60 on a good day, considering I should be about running in the streets crazy, considering my family situation right now. So, he's hoping 50mg will get me to 90% better.
We'll see.
I miss having my wine. I mean I've had wine and I've had a beer here and there. But I miss having significantly more than that. I know that sounds kind of disgusting, maybe. But I thoroughly enjoy sitting around with friends, food and a few bottles of wine. Not to say that is impossible, but I haven't tried yet. I wanted to level out my meds first.
Additionally, I'm concerned about the weight loss part. So many people have difficulty losing weight - and even gaining. I'm hoping I don't. That might be a make or break deal for me.
Reluctantly. Even more reluctantly, I took 1/2 a Clonazepam to help ease my anxiety and get a good night worth of sleep. The first day I had no real major side-effects. I did have a headache (not sure if it was the drugs), except for a feeling of inner zitteryness I can't really explain. Like I had drank too much coffee. And then a couple times I caught myself staring off into space.
Today is the 2nd day of taking the full pill. My doctor thought that going up to 50mg might alleviate some of my nighttime issues (panic). He asked how much relief the 25mg of Sertraline was giving me and I told him about 40-60%, depending. Possibly it is more close to 60 on a good day, considering I should be about running in the streets crazy, considering my family situation right now. So, he's hoping 50mg will get me to 90% better.
We'll see.
I miss having my wine. I mean I've had wine and I've had a beer here and there. But I miss having significantly more than that. I know that sounds kind of disgusting, maybe. But I thoroughly enjoy sitting around with friends, food and a few bottles of wine. Not to say that is impossible, but I haven't tried yet. I wanted to level out my meds first.
Additionally, I'm concerned about the weight loss part. So many people have difficulty losing weight - and even gaining. I'm hoping I don't. That might be a make or break deal for me.
Jan 24, 2011
Day 21
Still on the 25mg.
Contemplating. Put a call in to my doctor regarding the possibility of upping the dose or staying the same. Also want to ask him about the sleep issues.
I took a Clonazepam this weekend, due to high stress, inability to sleep. Worked like a charm. It doesn't knock me out, but it does seem to knock out the transitional panic I seem to have when I turn the lights out before bed. It also seems to keep me asleep, and I feel like I have a better night of sleep. I a bit frustrated with that simply because I don't want to rely on a drug to help me. And I see that this drug is clearly helping me.
Contemplating. Put a call in to my doctor regarding the possibility of upping the dose or staying the same. Also want to ask him about the sleep issues.
I took a Clonazepam this weekend, due to high stress, inability to sleep. Worked like a charm. It doesn't knock me out, but it does seem to knock out the transitional panic I seem to have when I turn the lights out before bed. It also seems to keep me asleep, and I feel like I have a better night of sleep. I a bit frustrated with that simply because I don't want to rely on a drug to help me. And I see that this drug is clearly helping me.
Jan 20, 2011
Day 17
I feel like I've been on Sertraline/Zoloft longer than 2 weeks and a couple days. Time wanders without indicating where it is going.
I'm still on 25mg.
I'm not taking the Clonazepam anymore. I weaned myself off it a few days ago. I think I'm on about day 5 without it, but looking at the calendar, I haven't been the best judge of time.
How did I wean myself off of Klonopin/Clonazepam? If anyone ever reads this, I know it is an area of interest to some. I was concerned about addiction and withdrawal. Concern is actually a light word. It was a source of anxiety for me. It heightened my concern that I hadn't bumped up to 50mg of the Sertraline/Zoloft prior to weaning from the Klonopin/Clonazepam first. My psych thought that the Zoloft would kick the Klonipin aside, and my need for it would be reduced or diminished at the 50mg dosage. He didn't think I'd have any issue getting off it, withdrawal-wise.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than my doctor, but I didn't 100% trust his idea of abrupt discontinuation. And if weaning (prior to scheduled) eased my mind, it shouldn't be an issue.
So here's my little "bit" about the Clonazepam:
I started at 1/2 pill, went up to 1 pill, and maxed out one night taking 1.5 pills. The 1.5 was a bit too much for me. This was all prior to Sertraline. Once on the Sertraline, I didn't intend to go over 1/2 pill, concerned that the combo might be too strong.
This worked for me. I had very little side-effects to the Sertraline, besides some tummy upset (gas, gas and more gas). I slept at night pretty well the first couple nights, but then did have some difficulty after that. I started taking the Clonazepam a bit earlier (5pm one night), to try to have it kick in by 10:30pm. It seemed to be working, I was sleeping earlier. Having a hard time getting up in the morning, but getting to sleep wasn't so bad.
How I weaned: Basically instead of taking the 1/2 pill, I took a 1/4 pill for about 3-5 days. I should have probably been more precise about what I did, and I'm trying to do that now. I didn't think it would really matter, but I really didn't want to deal with any ill-effects from suddenly quitting.
I can't say I had any side-effects, but I can say what I miss: Not having a panic attack when I tuck in for the night. Getting to bed at an earlier hour. I miss those things.
I don't miss taking a pill each night and worrying about being addicted to it. Although, admittedly, my body's dependence on Zoloft is increasing every day I pop that sucker into my mouth, so whatever.
My mind is a bit cloudy. I don't know if that's from the wear-off of Clonazepam, or the set-in of Sertraline. The Sertraline seems to have continued to keep me on a more even emotional plane, but my nights are a bit difficult. Trouble getting to sleep. Issues with feelings of panic and dread when I'm tucking in to go to sleep. The Sertraline isn't kicking that. Booze and Clonazepam does.
So, I don't know.
I don't know if I will up the Sertraline and see if that is the trick, or if I'll wait it out and see if the 25mg will do it if I continue. Or if I go back to the Clonazepam.
Right now I've got a lot on my plate, and in my life. I can't discount that it is normal to have concerns and normal to think about them. Not so normal to have them run around your head like a hamster on crack, incapable of making a decision, contemplating driving your car off the road, insomnia.
I'm functioning better than I normally do, despite multiple family concerns, stress, and fatigue. But I also feel a bit numb and spacey. That's probably better than agitated, homicidal, insane, though.
I'm still on 25mg.
I'm not taking the Clonazepam anymore. I weaned myself off it a few days ago. I think I'm on about day 5 without it, but looking at the calendar, I haven't been the best judge of time.
How did I wean myself off of Klonopin/Clonazepam? If anyone ever reads this, I know it is an area of interest to some. I was concerned about addiction and withdrawal. Concern is actually a light word. It was a source of anxiety for me. It heightened my concern that I hadn't bumped up to 50mg of the Sertraline/Zoloft prior to weaning from the Klonopin/Clonazepam first. My psych thought that the Zoloft would kick the Klonipin aside, and my need for it would be reduced or diminished at the 50mg dosage. He didn't think I'd have any issue getting off it, withdrawal-wise.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than my doctor, but I didn't 100% trust his idea of abrupt discontinuation. And if weaning (prior to scheduled) eased my mind, it shouldn't be an issue.
So here's my little "bit" about the Clonazepam:
I started at 1/2 pill, went up to 1 pill, and maxed out one night taking 1.5 pills. The 1.5 was a bit too much for me. This was all prior to Sertraline. Once on the Sertraline, I didn't intend to go over 1/2 pill, concerned that the combo might be too strong.
This worked for me. I had very little side-effects to the Sertraline, besides some tummy upset (gas, gas and more gas). I slept at night pretty well the first couple nights, but then did have some difficulty after that. I started taking the Clonazepam a bit earlier (5pm one night), to try to have it kick in by 10:30pm. It seemed to be working, I was sleeping earlier. Having a hard time getting up in the morning, but getting to sleep wasn't so bad.
How I weaned: Basically instead of taking the 1/2 pill, I took a 1/4 pill for about 3-5 days. I should have probably been more precise about what I did, and I'm trying to do that now. I didn't think it would really matter, but I really didn't want to deal with any ill-effects from suddenly quitting.
I can't say I had any side-effects, but I can say what I miss: Not having a panic attack when I tuck in for the night. Getting to bed at an earlier hour. I miss those things.
I don't miss taking a pill each night and worrying about being addicted to it. Although, admittedly, my body's dependence on Zoloft is increasing every day I pop that sucker into my mouth, so whatever.
My mind is a bit cloudy. I don't know if that's from the wear-off of Clonazepam, or the set-in of Sertraline. The Sertraline seems to have continued to keep me on a more even emotional plane, but my nights are a bit difficult. Trouble getting to sleep. Issues with feelings of panic and dread when I'm tucking in to go to sleep. The Sertraline isn't kicking that. Booze and Clonazepam does.
So, I don't know.
I don't know if I will up the Sertraline and see if that is the trick, or if I'll wait it out and see if the 25mg will do it if I continue. Or if I go back to the Clonazepam.
Right now I've got a lot on my plate, and in my life. I can't discount that it is normal to have concerns and normal to think about them. Not so normal to have them run around your head like a hamster on crack, incapable of making a decision, contemplating driving your car off the road, insomnia.
I'm functioning better than I normally do, despite multiple family concerns, stress, and fatigue. But I also feel a bit numb and spacey. That's probably better than agitated, homicidal, insane, though.
Jan 13, 2011
Day 10
Contrary to my last post, still on 25mg. Not inclined to bump up anymore. I mean I am because I fear that 25mg isn't enough. But I'm not because if I can find enough relief at a smaller dosage, I'm all for it.
One of the times I took Sertraline, I started out right at 50mg. Not good. Felt like crap, falling asleep at my desk at work. Insomnia. Felt wired, but tired at the same time. Possible?
At 25mg I don't feel that. I feel pretty normal. Slightly less "wheel turning" going on in my head. Still able to feel emotions. Still able to function. But I do have to say the first week was actually better than this second one. I don't know why. Possibly that means I need to bump up, but possibly it means that I need to just hang in and give it more time.
I'd like to move away from the Clonazepam and see how it is for me after doing that. I feel kind of spacey after taking it for a while now. So I might touch base with my doctor and see what his thoughts are.
I'm starting to worry about weight-gain and inability to lose weight. My hope was that the Sertraline would take the edge off of my emotions so that I wasn't emotional eating so much. My fear (from what I've read) is that it will decrease my metabolism to that of a slug and not matter what I do I won't be able to lose weight.
But that's a worry I don't need to worry about right now, right? So I'll try not to.
One of the times I took Sertraline, I started out right at 50mg. Not good. Felt like crap, falling asleep at my desk at work. Insomnia. Felt wired, but tired at the same time. Possible?
At 25mg I don't feel that. I feel pretty normal. Slightly less "wheel turning" going on in my head. Still able to feel emotions. Still able to function. But I do have to say the first week was actually better than this second one. I don't know why. Possibly that means I need to bump up, but possibly it means that I need to just hang in and give it more time.
I'd like to move away from the Clonazepam and see how it is for me after doing that. I feel kind of spacey after taking it for a while now. So I might touch base with my doctor and see what his thoughts are.
I'm starting to worry about weight-gain and inability to lose weight. My hope was that the Sertraline would take the edge off of my emotions so that I wasn't emotional eating so much. My fear (from what I've read) is that it will decrease my metabolism to that of a slug and not matter what I do I won't be able to lose weight.
But that's a worry I don't need to worry about right now, right? So I'll try not to.
Jan 11, 2011
Day 8
Today I was supposed to move up another 25mg to get to the 50mg dosage.
I didn't.
I don't have a specific reason beyond not wanting to rock the boat. Nothing I can put my finger on really. I guess I still have the same hangups with simply not wanting all these chemicals in my brain. But I'm also feeling less "spinning" going on in my head. It's not gone, but it certainly isn't crippling me like it was a couple weeks ago.
I do feel tired, though, and have a hard time waking up in the morning. I think it might be the Clonazepam, and when I start thinking about that I begin to really freak out because of all the talk about benzo withdrawals. I literally have to tune my brain off of it and just ride with the flow. Where I was the past few weeks is not a good place. The anxiety and depression... I was really struggling.
I just want to get over this hump. Take the meds for a few months, cope, get back to feeling better, and then wean off. That's my hope. I don't know, though. Sometimes I feel like I've switched the booze at night for the Clonazepam and how do you teach yourself to go to bed at night? I can't command sleep.
I guess I hope with the Sertraline stopping the wheels from spinning I won't need the Clonazepam. And I hope that I'm not setting myself up for some major withdrawls. There. There goes the wheel spinning. How interesting.
Tonight I took 1/2 of the Clonazepam and then another 1/4 because it's been a rough one. The past couple days have been kind of rough. But, according to what I've been reading, with a good week behind me, my levels of Sertraline should be pretty decent. So as much as I have a distaste for benzos, I do wonder if they've helped me avoid some of the panic and anxiety this first week of meds. As much as I tell myself I want to wean off the Clonazepam, I will stick with it, and I will do my best to get up to 50mg of Sertraline in the next day or so.
I think I can, I think I can.
I didn't.
I don't have a specific reason beyond not wanting to rock the boat. Nothing I can put my finger on really. I guess I still have the same hangups with simply not wanting all these chemicals in my brain. But I'm also feeling less "spinning" going on in my head. It's not gone, but it certainly isn't crippling me like it was a couple weeks ago.
I do feel tired, though, and have a hard time waking up in the morning. I think it might be the Clonazepam, and when I start thinking about that I begin to really freak out because of all the talk about benzo withdrawals. I literally have to tune my brain off of it and just ride with the flow. Where I was the past few weeks is not a good place. The anxiety and depression... I was really struggling.
I just want to get over this hump. Take the meds for a few months, cope, get back to feeling better, and then wean off. That's my hope. I don't know, though. Sometimes I feel like I've switched the booze at night for the Clonazepam and how do you teach yourself to go to bed at night? I can't command sleep.
I guess I hope with the Sertraline stopping the wheels from spinning I won't need the Clonazepam. And I hope that I'm not setting myself up for some major withdrawls. There. There goes the wheel spinning. How interesting.
Tonight I took 1/2 of the Clonazepam and then another 1/4 because it's been a rough one. The past couple days have been kind of rough. But, according to what I've been reading, with a good week behind me, my levels of Sertraline should be pretty decent. So as much as I have a distaste for benzos, I do wonder if they've helped me avoid some of the panic and anxiety this first week of meds. As much as I tell myself I want to wean off the Clonazepam, I will stick with it, and I will do my best to get up to 50mg of Sertraline in the next day or so.
I think I can, I think I can.
Jan 6, 2011
Day 3
Today is Day 3, but I'm talking about yesterday, more.
All went well yesterday. Had a slight headache, but nothing that inhibited me from performing my normal duties. Other than that, no real symptoms beyond feeling a bit foggy, clouded. Kind of like I do when I first get up, have been up for a bit, but haven't had my coffee. But the flip side of that is that my head isn't seeming to run so many circles. Kind of weird for a Day 3 (I know it takes time to build up in your body), but I think I'm feeling some effect already. I've also been taking vitamins for over a week, though, so that might be part of it.
And I haven't had a drink in 2 days. Normally I have a glass or two of wine every night, but I wanted to hold off on drinking any wine for at least the first few days on this medicine.
I took the Klonipin/Clonazepam last night (1/2 pill) again. It didn't make me too tired until about 3 hours later, so I'm glad I took it earlier (7:30pm). I have to say, though, it was nice getting to bed, getting to sleep at a semi-normal time. Usually I'm up until 12:30. I love being a night owl, and prefer being up later, but my "later" keeps getting later and later, and I am exhausted.
I think it helps, in my mind, to think of this all as a short-term experiement. Right now I feel pretty committed. And I'm trying to just trust and go with it, even though, there's a part of me that is completely against it. If it makes me a better mom by calming my irritations, fears and need to control... great. If it makes it easier for me to make up my mind, form a solid plan and do it... fantastic.
And if it doesn't work out well for me... at least I tried.
I'm not thrilled about upping my dosage after a week, simply because I seem to be having some benefits from the dose I'm taking. Maybe I won't. I'm going to try not to worry about that and just live in today.
Jan 5, 2011
Day 2
Yesterday went fine. No real big side-effects from the Zoloft/Sertraline. It took the 1/2 pill dosage, 25mg in the morning.
I felt a tiny bit "off" like maybe I talked too fast, or moved too fast. Like I was nervous, but nothing too noticeable. Nothing like when I took a whole pill straight off the bat.
I was a little yawny at work.
I felt exhausted at 6pm, though it might have been from the sugary bread I ate. I don't know. But I came home and ate dinner, and perked up again.
I did not have any wine at night. I usually do.
I went for a walk before bed (something I haven't done in over a month.)
I took a 1/2 of the Klonipin/Clonazepam at around 8:30/9pm because I wanted to make sure I got to sleep. Normally I'd take a whole pill (or even 1.5 like the other night), but thought the combo of the Zoloft/Sertraline might intensify the Klonipin/Clonazepam. I slept well, woke maybe once - not sure why. Had a hard time waking up this morning, though, felt a bit groggy.
Slight headache today. Took my B-vitamins, D-vitamin and fish oil. Drank my coffee. Having a bit of waffling over taking the Sertraline. Control issue? Maybe. Fears? Definitely. Hard time committing. I Can't believe I use natural deodorant, natural cleaners, natural toothpaste... and shove brain-altering chemicals directly into my head.
But I'm going to go take my 1/2 pill. Soon.
I felt a tiny bit "off" like maybe I talked too fast, or moved too fast. Like I was nervous, but nothing too noticeable. Nothing like when I took a whole pill straight off the bat.
I was a little yawny at work.
I felt exhausted at 6pm, though it might have been from the sugary bread I ate. I don't know. But I came home and ate dinner, and perked up again.
I did not have any wine at night. I usually do.
I went for a walk before bed (something I haven't done in over a month.)
I took a 1/2 of the Klonipin/Clonazepam at around 8:30/9pm because I wanted to make sure I got to sleep. Normally I'd take a whole pill (or even 1.5 like the other night), but thought the combo of the Zoloft/Sertraline might intensify the Klonipin/Clonazepam. I slept well, woke maybe once - not sure why. Had a hard time waking up this morning, though, felt a bit groggy.
Slight headache today. Took my B-vitamins, D-vitamin and fish oil. Drank my coffee. Having a bit of waffling over taking the Sertraline. Control issue? Maybe. Fears? Definitely. Hard time committing. I Can't believe I use natural deodorant, natural cleaners, natural toothpaste... and shove brain-altering chemicals directly into my head.
But I'm going to go take my 1/2 pill. Soon.
Jan 4, 2011
Begin
This is for me, and maybe helpful for you. Though I'm a "skippy" journaler, it might not make as much sense to someone else. But maybe it will.
Clinically, I'm depressed. Anxious. Obsessive Compulsive. Post-Traumatic.
I have been able to cope for years, using behavioral approaches. Faith helps. But, circumstances of life, stress and pain continually beating at my door, and I started to crack under the pressure. For 3+ years I debated over going back on an SSRI - something that would help get me out of the slump I was in.
But... I couldn't do it.
Ten years ago I took Celexa (Citalopram) for post-partum depression. I took it for a year. It helped, though it had side-effects. I got off it and moved on.
Recently, though, there are days where I want to walk out the door and keep walking. Or drive off the road and keep driving. I know my soul is happy, but my brain is working against it.
In the past year my Pdoc (primary doctor) gave me a script for Zoloft (Sertraline). I held it for months, fearful of taking it. I don't like chemicals, and I don't like chemicals that mess with your head, particularly. I can have wine or beer (or shots), but I don't do weed any other drugs.
After months of being in the ditch, I went to a consult with a psychiatrist, hoping to have a pinpoint on a medication that would help. Recommendation: meds and counselling. The counselling I've been doing for months, the meds... yeah.
The Psych recommended Celexa (since it worked before). It took me a bit to try it, but 3 days in I couldn't do it anymore. Nausea, headaches and jaw-clenching. Flashback to why I stopped taking it. There is no good time to deal with those side-effects. He recommended Zoloft instead, saying it was worth a try and might be better. I took it for 3 days, too. Sleepy, groggy, headachy. And I had a weekend getaway to attend; didn't want to feel like crap. So I went off it.
When I told the Psych about the Xanax (Alprazolam), and my hesitance with the Zoloft he listened to my concerns, and recommended Klonipin (clonazepam) instead. Longer acting, less potential for abuse (not that I was abusing them anyway), and better for anxiety relief. But not for depression, he said. Could help me sleep, one of my issues.
I like the Klonipin better. It takes a bit to kick in, but it seems to get me to sleep and calm me down. Xanax works faster at calming me down, but Klonipin works longer.
I took it nearly every day, unless I had a couple glasses of wine, and then hit a rough 10 days of depression. Could have been my period, could have been the holidays, but I felt horrible and needed to do something.
I made another appointment with my Psych.
He's patient and understanding about my reservations of taking anything that's not on a PRN (as needed) basis. He understands my fears of long-term complications, of having something continually in my body. Of my anxiety being about everything and taking medicine. And how that (somewhat) is crippling to me.
He said that the best drug would be the SSRI. And when/if I was ready to try it, we could figure it out. He said the Klonipin might have helped the anxiety so much that the depression poked through when it lifted. My concerns, fears, and reservations of taking the SSRI, though, are very high. I told him I'd need to be in a coma for the first 2 weeks, have someone give it to me while I don't know.
So here's the plan:
I'm going to try the SSRI for 2 months. No huge commitment, and I can quit (under his supervision) anytime. But we're giving it an end date, to make it more viable for me.
I'm going to start week one with 1/2 pill (25mg). I'm going to take Klonipin/Clonazepam at night to get to sleep. -- I worried about being addicted to it, he said it was doubtful, but if I was, he would help me get off it in 2 weeks -- He said I would probably see a lesser need for the Klonipin and wouldn't need it for the two weeks.
Week 2 I'd start the Zoloft/Sertraline at 50mg
I would check in with him in 1 month.
So, I'm journaling it. And I'm trying to stick with it. Trying.
Clinically, I'm depressed. Anxious. Obsessive Compulsive. Post-Traumatic.
I have been able to cope for years, using behavioral approaches. Faith helps. But, circumstances of life, stress and pain continually beating at my door, and I started to crack under the pressure. For 3+ years I debated over going back on an SSRI - something that would help get me out of the slump I was in.
But... I couldn't do it.
Ten years ago I took Celexa (Citalopram) for post-partum depression. I took it for a year. It helped, though it had side-effects. I got off it and moved on.
Recently, though, there are days where I want to walk out the door and keep walking. Or drive off the road and keep driving. I know my soul is happy, but my brain is working against it.
In the past year my Pdoc (primary doctor) gave me a script for Zoloft (Sertraline). I held it for months, fearful of taking it. I don't like chemicals, and I don't like chemicals that mess with your head, particularly. I can have wine or beer (or shots), but I don't do weed any other drugs.
I called my Pdoc, I told her I didn't want to take a daily drug, that some days I felt badly, but some were great. I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine sometimes and not worry about a head drug. I wanted some alleviation from my panic attacks. She gave me Xanax (a drug I could have used years ago while raising a runaway teenager). I used it a few times, and it was OK. There was always a fear in the back of my head that I could get addicted. So I didn't use it alot and probably didn't use enough for it to really work well. I'd always take 1/2 a pill, fearing a whole pill would kill me.
After months of being in the ditch, I went to a consult with a psychiatrist, hoping to have a pinpoint on a medication that would help. Recommendation: meds and counselling. The counselling I've been doing for months, the meds... yeah.
The Psych recommended Celexa (since it worked before). It took me a bit to try it, but 3 days in I couldn't do it anymore. Nausea, headaches and jaw-clenching. Flashback to why I stopped taking it. There is no good time to deal with those side-effects. He recommended Zoloft instead, saying it was worth a try and might be better. I took it for 3 days, too. Sleepy, groggy, headachy. And I had a weekend getaway to attend; didn't want to feel like crap. So I went off it.
When I told the Psych about the Xanax (Alprazolam), and my hesitance with the Zoloft he listened to my concerns, and recommended Klonipin (clonazepam) instead. Longer acting, less potential for abuse (not that I was abusing them anyway), and better for anxiety relief. But not for depression, he said. Could help me sleep, one of my issues.
I like the Klonipin better. It takes a bit to kick in, but it seems to get me to sleep and calm me down. Xanax works faster at calming me down, but Klonipin works longer.
I took it nearly every day, unless I had a couple glasses of wine, and then hit a rough 10 days of depression. Could have been my period, could have been the holidays, but I felt horrible and needed to do something.
I made another appointment with my Psych.
He's patient and understanding about my reservations of taking anything that's not on a PRN (as needed) basis. He understands my fears of long-term complications, of having something continually in my body. Of my anxiety being about everything and taking medicine. And how that (somewhat) is crippling to me.
He said that the best drug would be the SSRI. And when/if I was ready to try it, we could figure it out. He said the Klonipin might have helped the anxiety so much that the depression poked through when it lifted. My concerns, fears, and reservations of taking the SSRI, though, are very high. I told him I'd need to be in a coma for the first 2 weeks, have someone give it to me while I don't know.
So here's the plan:
I'm going to try the SSRI for 2 months. No huge commitment, and I can quit (under his supervision) anytime. But we're giving it an end date, to make it more viable for me.
I'm going to start week one with 1/2 pill (25mg). I'm going to take Klonipin/Clonazepam at night to get to sleep. -- I worried about being addicted to it, he said it was doubtful, but if I was, he would help me get off it in 2 weeks -- He said I would probably see a lesser need for the Klonipin and wouldn't need it for the two weeks.
Week 2 I'd start the Zoloft/Sertraline at 50mg
I would check in with him in 1 month.
So, I'm journaling it. And I'm trying to stick with it. Trying.
Jan 3, 2011
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