Clinically, I'm depressed. Anxious. Obsessive Compulsive. Post-Traumatic.
I have been able to cope for years, using behavioral approaches. Faith helps. But, circumstances of life, stress and pain continually beating at my door, and I started to crack under the pressure. For 3+ years I debated over going back on an SSRI - something that would help get me out of the slump I was in.
But... I couldn't do it.
Ten years ago I took Celexa (Citalopram) for post-partum depression. I took it for a year. It helped, though it had side-effects. I got off it and moved on.
Recently, though, there are days where I want to walk out the door and keep walking. Or drive off the road and keep driving. I know my soul is happy, but my brain is working against it.
In the past year my Pdoc (primary doctor) gave me a script for Zoloft (Sertraline). I held it for months, fearful of taking it. I don't like chemicals, and I don't like chemicals that mess with your head, particularly. I can have wine or beer (or shots), but I don't do weed any other drugs.
I called my Pdoc, I told her I didn't want to take a daily drug, that some days I felt badly, but some were great. I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine sometimes and not worry about a head drug. I wanted some alleviation from my panic attacks. She gave me Xanax (a drug I could have used years ago while raising a runaway teenager). I used it a few times, and it was OK. There was always a fear in the back of my head that I could get addicted. So I didn't use it alot and probably didn't use enough for it to really work well. I'd always take 1/2 a pill, fearing a whole pill would kill me.
After months of being in the ditch, I went to a consult with a psychiatrist, hoping to have a pinpoint on a medication that would help. Recommendation: meds and counselling. The counselling I've been doing for months, the meds... yeah.
The Psych recommended Celexa (since it worked before). It took me a bit to try it, but 3 days in I couldn't do it anymore. Nausea, headaches and jaw-clenching. Flashback to why I stopped taking it. There is no good time to deal with those side-effects. He recommended Zoloft instead, saying it was worth a try and might be better. I took it for 3 days, too. Sleepy, groggy, headachy. And I had a weekend getaway to attend; didn't want to feel like crap. So I went off it.
When I told the Psych about the Xanax (Alprazolam), and my hesitance with the Zoloft he listened to my concerns, and recommended Klonipin (clonazepam) instead. Longer acting, less potential for abuse (not that I was abusing them anyway), and better for anxiety relief. But not for depression, he said. Could help me sleep, one of my issues.
I like the Klonipin better. It takes a bit to kick in, but it seems to get me to sleep and calm me down. Xanax works faster at calming me down, but Klonipin works longer.
I took it nearly every day, unless I had a couple glasses of wine, and then hit a rough 10 days of depression. Could have been my period, could have been the holidays, but I felt horrible and needed to do something.
I made another appointment with my Psych.
He's patient and understanding about my reservations of taking anything that's not on a PRN (as needed) basis. He understands my fears of long-term complications, of having something continually in my body. Of my anxiety being about everything and taking medicine. And how that (somewhat) is crippling to me.
He said that the best drug would be the SSRI. And when/if I was ready to try it, we could figure it out. He said the Klonipin might have helped the anxiety so much that the depression poked through when it lifted. My concerns, fears, and reservations of taking the SSRI, though, are very high. I told him I'd need to be in a coma for the first 2 weeks, have someone give it to me while I don't know.
So here's the plan:
I'm going to try the SSRI for 2 months. No huge commitment, and I can quit (under his supervision) anytime. But we're giving it an end date, to make it more viable for me.
I'm going to start week one with 1/2 pill (25mg). I'm going to take Klonipin/Clonazepam at night to get to sleep. -- I worried about being addicted to it, he said it was doubtful, but if I was, he would help me get off it in 2 weeks -- He said I would probably see a lesser need for the Klonipin and wouldn't need it for the two weeks.
Week 2 I'd start the Zoloft/Sertraline at 50mg
I would check in with him in 1 month.
So, I'm journaling it. And I'm trying to stick with it. Trying.
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